Too Much WRONG JLo!

Seriously, WTF was Jennifer Lopez thinking when she showed up at Roberto Cavalli’s ‘Just Cavalli’ store opening Friday evening in NYC.

I really try not to be too mean on Upchuck but JLO really gets to me sometimes. That dress/robe thingy is obnoxious. You can be pms'ing and bloated without wearing a mumu.

What's with the make-up? She always drives me nuts with her damn make-up. The make-up artist does so much concealing of her under-eye-around-the-nose area that her actual nose looks all Rudolph-y or like she has a perpetual cold.

Eh gawd. That look. Can you try any harder woman? No I don't want to f**k you and neither does my husband (though he probably would if you paid him) - stop trying to rope us in - you just look silly.

Who's Trying Harder?

Jennifer Lopez last night at the NYC premier of El Cantante?

or

Heather Graham at the NYC premier of Adrift in Manhattan?

Second pic of JLo above is after her appearance/performance on the Today Show.

What is Skeletor Thinking?

Jennifer Lopez and Mr. JLo, er, um, Marc Anthony, premiered their movie El Cantante' in Puerto Rico.

I found these first two pics of them weird. But then again, almost any pic with Skeletor in it is weird - he's just unlucky like that. But he's married to a hot chica and he's super rich! Not bad Skeletor. But I digress.

What I was getting at is that, to me, in the first pic he looks like JLo just ripped a stinky one and he caught a huge whiff.

In the second pic he looks like he could be thinking one of two things: 1) I will suck the life from you - just keeeeeep on kissin' me. OR 2) WTF are you kissing me for bisch?!?! I don't swing your way.

I'm thinking 1.

JLo the Next Bachelorette?

Click on the pic for a closer view. This an older foreign magazine ad for Lux shampoo and I seriously think they digitized all of Jennifer Lopez. There's nothing human or real about the thing!

Actually, the ad looks like a promo for the next season of "The Bachelorette" or the cover of a damn romance novel. Silliness.

Animals Would Kill JLo If They Could

Jennifer Lopez may be receiving death threats from a an animal-rights extremist necessitating increased security.

A Gatecrasher source said the notes have been showing up for about a month and threaten "to kill her in public, just like the slaughtered animals whose fur she wears." THAT'S SCARY!

Lopez's spokeswoman denied the singer has hired two off-duty police offices in addition to her usual security team, "[Lopez] has had the same security team she has always had."

A rep for PETA (surely not involved) has said, "All violence is wrong. But J.Lo needs to stop the real violence she promotes and subsidizes rather than give herself extra protection she doesn't need." HERE, HERE!

Some Fugly & Some Pretty

The Metropolitan Museum of Art helds it's annual Art Costume Institute Gala last night in New York. Um, there were some hits and some major misses on the dress front.

Jennifer Connelly is a mysterious goddess and she looks stunning. However, I cannot stand heels that fail to contain the little toe. It looks incredibly uncomfortable - and it is!...

Jennifer Lopez looked ultra-glamorous and I actually approve of her make-up in these pics. Skeletor (or Mr. JLo) still completely skeeves me out...sorry...can't help it...

Angie Harmon was clearly channeling the 80's and Dynasty - that dress is straight up hideous...

Eva Mendes looked pretty and glamorous but Michael Kors looks like David Gest on a good night...ick...

Christina Ricci looked vavavoom but I'm not a fan of hot pink lipstick...

Chloe Sevigny could seriously have done something with her hair - how boring. She's cool though...

Claire Danes looks alright...

I love Amanda Peet but that dress looks like she made it the night before in her hotel room...

Hey JLo, the make up industry called to say you don't need to use ALL PRODUCTS at once dear

Why do some women who are naturally beautiful insist on wearing so much make-up? Jennifer Lopez does not need to boat load that she's always photographed wearing. The concealer, the foundation, the incredibly heavy eyes...WHY?! It almost drives me as bonkers as Britney's outfits.

Oh, in case you wondered, JLo and Mr. JLo were snapped at Us Weekly's Hot Hollywood party...'cause these self-centered rich biotches need to hear how wonderful they are even more than they already do. *sigh*

*** CLICK ALL PICS FOR AN UP CLOSE & PERSONAL VIEW! ***

Lindsay Lohan was there and was kind enough to provide a home for all the stray birds with that dayum hair style of hers...

Gorgeous Ali Lart from "Heroes" was there looking gorgeous! If I hear one more idiot say she needs a boob job - I'll cut 'em.

Carmen Electra was there 'cause there isn't an event she won't go to. Hey, can't hate her - publicity is everything...

Would ya looky here...Paris(ite) Hilton was also there. And look, her mouth is opening...must be a penis approaching...

Topshop(ping) JLo & Skeletor

Jennifer Lopez took time out of her busy weekend to do some shopping at a Topshop store in London - escorted by Skeletor himself - husband Marc Anthony.

When I say "busy weekend" I am referring to the 40 minute concert for $1 million she is giving for a Russian billionaire and his wife. What a tough life.

So Obnoxious

Russian billionaire Andrei Melnichenko and his wife Aleksandra are paying Jennifer Lopez $1 million dollars to sing for 40 minutes at a joint celebration for his recent birthday and the Mrs.'s 30th this weekend.

According to the Daily Mail, JLO is being paid $600k for the performance plus $400k to cover flight, and hoity-toity hotel rooms for her and her entourage.

A source close to Miss Lopez said:

"It will be wall-to-wall billionaires in there. Andrei and Aleksandra are both very great fans of J-Lo, so Andrei put the call in and personally put the offer to her. She accepted immediately.

"She will sing for about 40 minutes - not bad money for the work."

If she really wanted to do some good she would turn around and donate the $600k to charity. No hoopla - no nothin'....yeah, not betting on it.

This is the same couple who paid a bazillion dollars for Christina Aguilera to sing at the 2005 wedding.

Lopez performing on American Idol last week.

Lopez-Anthony Are Sue Happy

JLo and Skeletor promoting her album March 27 in the Bronx.

Jennifer Lopez and husband "Skeletor" aka Marc Anthony are suing the National Enquirer in European courts because the Enquirer alleged the couple was "caught up in a heroin scandal."

In their March 12 British and Irish editions, the Enquirer reprinted a 2004 picture of Skeletor standing beside photographer Michael Star, who is facing charges of heroin possession and child pornography in the U.S.

The lawsuit will be filed tomorrow (Tuesday, April 17) in Belfast, Ireland, and later in Dublin, Paris & London. European courts favor celebs and other high-profile persons vs. publications. The freaky couple is seeking "a six-figure settlement," an apology & a retraction.

Yeah, dude looks drugged out...but he's not...of course. Just looks it. He is totally caving in on himself. Oh, and if they win a "six-figure settlement" - Skeletor can put that towards the $2.5 million he owes the U.S. government in back taxes. Foolio.

Marc Anthony Owes $2.5 Mil In Taxes So JLo Keeps Working

Jennifer Lopez's hubby did a booboo. Marc Anthony didn't file tax returns from 2000 through 2004 on *gulp* $15.5 million in income!

The District Attorney's office did not prosecute Anthony because they "have to be able to show intent." A professional accountant prepared Anthony's tax returns so he thought all returns had been filed and any owed taxes paid. You know, 'cause when you're that rich you don't even pay attention to huge checks being drafted or not drafted from your account(s).

Anthony signed a payment agreement on April 3 and will be paying back the $2.5 million which includes the back taxes, interest & penalties.

I'll never understand why wealthy people avoid taxes. It's like the human species becomes greedier and greedier the more wealth it accumulates.

JLo Needs A Sewing Machine

Did you catch crappy American Idol last night? Effing Sanjaya bugs me and I don't really watch the show anymore. I plug away bliggity-blogging and just hear them singing while hubby watches.

Jennifer Lopez performed wearing a Scientology inspired space outfit that was in bad need of some finished edges. The white/black thingy was throwing lint and threads all over her black leggings. I did like how she really seemed to care for the contestants. *yawn*

Bits o' Musical Chicas

If you've visited Celebrity Upchuck™ before - you know I love Fergie. She has her haters but I'm not one of them. However, this dress is a do-wrong. It looks like she literally cut the drapes from her hotel window and fashioned a dress...it's so stiff and matronly! Straight-up heavy drapes. Better luck next time Fergs. I love you. xox

The pics in of JLO in beige are of her leaving her hotel Tuesday evening after changing post-TRL appearance. Do you dig her "Fly-like" goggles? Skeletor is pimpin' his outfit but I swear the dude is caving in on himself.

-- The other pics are leftovers of her leaving Mtv studios in Time Square and arriving back at her hotel. Note that one of her "helpers" is carrying a Sephora bag. LOVE IT!

Check out these pics of Avril Lavigne signing autographs outside of her hotel in London. She looks like she's in a spitting mood. We know she wouldn't make any apologies for it either!