Bits of Upchuck

* Adderall loving-no eating skeleton-celebutard Nicole Richie and her poser fiance' Joel Madden almost got married in Vegas on February 17 but she really wanted her enabling father's (Lionel Richie) approval so they didn't do it. The great news is that they plan to marry soon at Mexico's Las Ventanas resort in Cabo San Lucas. EVEN BETTER NEWS? They'll be divorced in less than a year. MY PRAYER? Lord, please don't let them procreate.

* Tobago's Archdeacon wants Elton John banned from the Plymouth Jazz Festival because they they don't want to catch his gayness. 'Cause they're so close to being gay that Elton John will be the final straw? That's just crazy talk.

* Heather Mills has been likened to "the boy who cried wolf." Greedy Heather has been advised not to waste 999 emergency calls to police when being bothered by the razzi. Hopefully she won't abuse 911 here in the States - our cops will put 50 bullets in her.

* Jennifer Aniston is skipping out her way out of Malibu and right into the arms of waiting NYC. Great.

* David and Victoria Beckham relived their first meeting at the Lowry Hotel for their 10th anniversary. David reportedly gave Poshbot diamond jewelry, dozens of white roses & handmade chocolates. WAIT, you mean to tell me that after 10yrs together the guy still doesn't know his wife doesn't eat anything let alone chocolates? I'll be sure to spank his bottom when he gets here tonight.