NitBrit Drama for Friday

After our short break from Britney Spears this morning, I'll try to get all the updates out in one post.

1) She fired her equally hoochie new assistant, Shannon Funk, because “Britney thought she was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside.”

2) Above is a pic of NitBrit at the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas. As part of the custody agreement with babydaddy KFed-Ex, NitBrit is supposed to seek permission from Federline before leaving California with the couple's two sons.

Looks like she didn't do that because Life & Style is reporting Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, has ordered NitBrit back to L.A. IMMEDIATELY.

This little document is pretty self-explanatory. Oh lordy, she seriously needs to leave the kids with their dad, hope on a plane to a far away place, fly in a top notch therapist and do some hardcore therapy for a couple of months. She'll come out of it feeling whole.

Who's Trying Harder?

Jennifer Lopez last night at the NYC premier of El Cantante?

or

Heather Graham at the NYC premier of Adrift in Manhattan?

Second pic of JLo above is after her appearance/performance on the Today Show.

Let's Take a Break...

from this week full of Lindsay Lohan (Blowhan) and Britney Spears (NitBrit) to listen to something meaningful - delivered with heart.

This is a video of Pink singing Dear Mr. President at Wembley on her I'm Not Dead tour.

Pink is a rocking goddess and this is my favorite song of the last 5 years. Keep it up P!nk!

Watts Birthed her Basketball

It was just yesterday I was commenting on how painfully huge Naomi Watts had become this late into her pregnancy and now word comes that she has given birth!

Little 8 lbs., 4 oz., Alexander Pete Schreiber was born Thursday morning at a hospital near the couple's Brentwood home. Watts and hubby Liev Schreiber are said to be resting in the hospital.

According to the insider, the arrival was slightly ahead of schedule. "Naomi was planning on giving birth next week-- her due date was early August -- but since she insisted on delivering naturally, she knew there was a chance she would have the baby before the due date. That's what wound up happening."

"This is a dream come true for both of them and they've done everything in their power to make it as special as possible, right down to staying in the dark about the baby's sex right up until Naomi gave birth."

Congrats to the new family!

Paltrow-Pitt Reunion

Formerly engaged, Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow are said to be reuniting in the upcoming movie Dirty Tricks (bet he knows a few).

You know Angelina Jolie is not digging this reunion. I wouldn't - no matter how secure one thinks they are! Reports are that she is "quite concerned" over the onscreen reunion (yeah, she knows he messes around on set).

Meryl Streep and Sharon stone are also set to star in the film based on the famous Watergate scandal.

The View Gets Whoopi-licious

Word on the street is ABC will announce next week Ms. Whoopi Goldberg will fill Rosie O'Donnell's abandoned seat on The View.

Rosie led a turbulent existence on the show and her departure was no different but thank goodness we've moved on...well, except for Rosie.

Aniston in NYC

I don't get why some people hate Jennifer Aniston so much. Why? She's beautiful (not in the classical sense nor the Hollywood "perfect" sense), funny, articulate, introspective and Brad Pitt loved her for years...what's not to like?!

Good to see her smiling after dinner in NYC the other night. She don't need no stinkin' man (that's for you Ang)! ;)

Garner at Bourne Ultimatum World Premier

The pregnancy rumors continue to surround Jennifer Garner and this dress won't help that. She is so incredibly fit so a belly on her isn't something we're used to. I'm still thinking she's preg.

The dress is ok but looks like one of those "on backwards" designs. Blech.

Gorgeous gal Joan Allen was also there.

Yowzas Naomi!

OMG! Naomi Watts is so gonna fall over! I hope new hubby Liev Schreiber is taking excellent care of her.

Celebrities look funky when they're hugely pregnant. I think it's because they're so tiny and then this huge round ball appears. Salma Hayek is the only one who doesn't look strange and that's because she was "normal sized" to begin with.

Lindsay's Sister Speaks

Since Lindsay's arrest Tuesday morning we've been hearing all sorts of crap including Lohan's denial of responsibility, “Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy,” and now her sister is getting in on the mix.

Lindsay Lohan's sister Ali, 13, is speaking out against her father and says White Oprah and her sister are "insperations"[sic] to her. Here is an email Ali sent to 24sizzler.com:

Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is. My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting[sic] us. i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident[sic], is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother. He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught[sic] this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been. I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family but of course we are put under a microscope because of lindsays fame, lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common. My mother and sister are huge insperations[sic] to me, they have made it through so much in there lives.

Thank you for your time god bless, Ali

Shite, White Oprah was typing away, drunk, Wednesday night when that email was sent. Ok, maybe not, but put stay in school Ali. Seriously.

NOTE: Michael Lohan (Daddy Dearest) is scheduled to appear on Nancy Grace (CNN) tonight at 8 p.m. Why don't all these people lay low and STFU?! You can't heal wounds through gossip!

Ok!'s a Bunch of Smoke Blowing Bisches

So on Tuesday we bloggers were chatting about how Ok! magazine was telling us they would be spilling some juicy beans and photos from their interview/shoot with Britney Spears, but then it really started to seem like they were blowing smoke up our arses. I can safely say that I have smoke up my arse.

Here are the pages from tomorrow's mag and it's much like we thought. The "damaging photos" were some of the razzi photos posted here so we didn't get anything nasty from shoot (DAMN IT!)

So squint hard and read. She's clearly a spoiled mess but nothing too juicy here. Just a matter of time though!

Don Imus Wasn't Even There

Did anyone performing at the Comedy Central Roast of rapper (turned reality TV personality) Flavor Flav actually graduate from high school or any other school for that matter (no, Hard Knocks doesn't count)?

The heavily edited show will air on August 12th and, according to the NY Post, we'll be missing several racially and sexually charged moments including:

"The N-word which was used 11 times by presenters including Snoop Dogg, Ice-T and comedian Katt Williams, The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller reports."

The number of times certain words were used: "bitch" used 16 times; "pimp," 14 times; "ho," 12 times; "whore," seven times, "crack," five times, and "hookers," three times.

Roman Pink

If you're checking out Celebrity Upchuck from Rome then you need to hit the streets (in a minute). Everyone's fav chick rocker Pink has been cruising around town on foot, hitting the shops.

I just love her to bits and that's all I have to say about that. Nothing controversial. Sorry.

Yummy Beckham

I just can't get enough of looking at David Beckham. He is a beautiful specimen, a cool specimen, a footballing specimen...YUM!

He and Victoria took little Romeo out shopping yesterday. Just them and dozens of razzi.

Take a look at the pic of their backsides. VickyB is wearing a tank top that says, "Show me the money," and it makes me want to throw-up for two reasons: 1) You have plenty of money ya hooch and 2) Tom Cruise (aka Jesus Cruise) famously yelled that phrase in Jerry Maguire back in 1996. I can't stand Jesus Cruise or his psuedo-religion.

VickyB's Prius

I think I just creamed myself (TMI). VickyB's (Victoria Beckham) 2007 Bentley Continental GTC DUB edition is the baddest mamojama around and I want one STAT.

Seriously, that is one gorgeous effin' car and you know it rides like it's floating on big ol' boats of butter - it's that smooth ya'all!

This blogging thing is really paying off though. I'm only $299,000 short of buying my own! Riding shotgun with VickyB will have to suffice until then...but just until then. *sigh*

Oh to be Brangelina

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are livin' the good life.

Jolie finished the Prague period of filming "Wanted" so the family headed to Marathon, France, for some r&r. They spent seve-days relaxing with their fifty kids (four, really), chasing eachother around their rented castle on motorcycles while the kids played with the nannies, hitting a small amusement park and who knows what else. Maybe we need to ask what they - DON'T DO.

Nevertheless, the blessed family hit Brie-Champniers airport in Angouleme, France, to catch a private jet and head home...to one of their homes...somewhere. Lucky bisches.

Pics below are much bigger than the one above:

Doherty Rehabbing Again

Kate Moss broke up with rocker Pete Doherty (again) and dude has been declining (don't ask me how you decline from rock bottom...hell?) but he is finally back in rehab (so what if it was court ordered).

He's been admitted to Detox 5 clinic in Harrogate, Yorkshire. He admitted himself a week ago stayed less than a day. Treatment runs about $6,500 a day and I'm wondering who the hell is paying for his treatment considering tabloid reports have had him living in a car and, more recently, in a garage with ten kittens (WTF?!), since the Moss break up.

Lindsay Chasing Assistant!

Lohan partying before her arrest.

Oh shite! As you all know by now, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning (1:30 - 2:15 a.m.) for DUI (amongst other charges) after she was found chasing another vehicle with her Denali.

Well, according to police, Blowhan's assitant quit just a few hours before the arrest and when her assistant's mother came to pick her up, Blowhan started chasing them! The mother called the police to tell them what was happening and that she would attempt to drive to the nearest police station and we all know Lindsay ended up arrested.

Um, when is someone going to write a Lindsay Lohan movie?! This stuff is crazy.

Lindsay, you need years of rehab. Or at least a year. Fly to some distant island, stay in rehab (and avoid the press) for a year, get your damn shite together and try to live again. Before you die.

UPDATE - STATEMENT FROM LINDSAY'S ATTORNEY:

"Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care."

UPDATE 2: Lohan has checked back in to rehab but not Promises. She is at an undisclosed facility.

Let's hope she's really on a plane to a facility far away. For a long long time.


UPDATE 3 (and then it's time to grocery shop - so hot!):

It may not have been Lohan's assistant involved in last night's drama. TMZ is reporting it was her "second assistant who was on the scene, and from what our sources tell us, she had been relieved of her duties last night -- exactly why, we're not sure."

WTF? Why does she need two damn assistants? Seriously. Is it really that hard to keep track of your party destinations Linds? Sheesh.

Friday Could be Brit's D-Day

If TMZ has is right, Friday we should be seeing some awful pics from a photo shoot and hearing about a terrible interview Britney Spears gave Ok! magazine.

Last week, NitBrit personally contacted OK! magazine to negotiate the deal ('cause she fired her manager and anyone else who would tell her "no," ya'all!...or they had enough and bailed.) and apparently things didn't go so well.

Her behavior was reportedly "nothing less than a meltdown" and she was "completely out of it." Sources allegedly told TMZ NitBrit made frequent trips to the bathroom (uh, cocaine anyone?) and "each time she returned her mood would change."

Ok! sources also supposedly told TMZ that NitBrit wiped her greasy fried chicken hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress she was wearing ("I'm country ya'all!") and picked up her dogs poop with a Chanel dress (huh?). Everything she chose to wear was reportedly two sizes too small and we know what that must look like.

NitBrit supposedly refused the assistance of "two of the best hair and makeup artists in L.A." opting instead for her fabulous (BAH!) friends to help her.

The mag is notoriously celeb-friendly (arse kissers really) so the question was whether they would report things as they happened and publish the photos or sugar coat everything and retouch the life out of the photos.

Ok! mag Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens told TMZ, "OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told."

They are surely counting on this to be their best selling issue ever. Oh joy.

This girl needs major help. AND SHE BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT AS SOME SITES ARE REPORTING. If she is, God have mercy on my soul for what I might do. I'm going to take all of her kids and animals and run away with them. Not really, but Social Services and the Humane Society should act.

Headed to Jail or Death

Two stays in rehab in less than 6 months (forty-five days the second time), a car accident and arrest for DUI (for which she was just booked last week), lost jobs, stained reputation, awful photos...none of this has been able to save Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan was arrested for DUI at around 2:15 a.m. in Santa Monica after failing a field sobriety test. Reports are that her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13 while the legal limit is .08. Uh, those numbers suggest she was quite drunk.

Once taken to the police station, she was searched and cocaine was found in her pants pocket.

This girl has really f*cked herself. She is due in court on the 1st DUI charges on August 24 - this latest episode does not bode well for her. DOES PARIS HILTON NOT RING A BELL LINDSAY?!

Cops reportedly received a call of a vehicle chasing another vehicle. Blowhan was driving a Denali and reportedly chasing a Cadillac Escalade. WTF?! DUMBARSE!

These latest charges include "possession of cocaine, DUI, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license."

Blowhan was released from jail this morning after processing and posting $25,000 bail. She shouldn't get too comfortable. This chick is going to jail. Fo-shizzle. As she should.

I'd like to see White Oprah explain this one away.

What is Skeletor Thinking?

Jennifer Lopez and Mr. JLo, er, um, Marc Anthony, premiered their movie El Cantante' in Puerto Rico.

I found these first two pics of them weird. But then again, almost any pic with Skeletor in it is weird - he's just unlucky like that. But he's married to a hot chica and he's super rich! Not bad Skeletor. But I digress.

What I was getting at is that, to me, in the first pic he looks like JLo just ripped a stinky one and he caught a huge whiff.

In the second pic he looks like he could be thinking one of two things: 1) I will suck the life from you - just keeeeeep on kissin' me. OR 2) WTF are you kissing me for bisch?!?! I don't swing your way.

I'm thinking 1.